She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
