how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
