No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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