I have demons in me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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