Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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