i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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