Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
