I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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