if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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