Apparently you make a good broom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
