My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
