Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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