my phone needs a breathalizer
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
