I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
