I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
