He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well I just put wine in my tea
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
