Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
