I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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