he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
