I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
