by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
