I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
