Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
