Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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