If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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