I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
