I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
