you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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