I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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