i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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