My sheets look like a crime scene.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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