how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
