I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
