Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In America we eat man semen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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