I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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