The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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