I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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