There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
