I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
