so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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