I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
