God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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