The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is it because I queefed?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
