Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
