My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Couch. On fire.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
