I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
