my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
