my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
