he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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