Nicole vs. Life
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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